The Trashcan is My Friend  -  Donna J Evans 4/24/18

It’s 3:00 am and I can’t sleep, my mind being too active.  It’s like that,  getting stuck in loops and processing and regurgitating crap over and over. Constantly bringing back the bad things, people that used me, let me down and disappointed me.  It all brings back reminders of my own weaknesses,  failings and neediness.  I’ve written about all this in my diaries many times over the years and sometimes I could let it go a little only for it to rear it’s ugly Loch Ness head when things would get bad again.  Each new recent  encounter with some nasty, self-centered person would start bringing out the smell of rotting corpses I thought I had filed away.

Oh, I’m so much better now about not getting involved and moving on fast.  Life’s too short to deal with some people.  So, I’m down to only a few people I trust to talk to, like my mom, sister, son and husband.  Those are the only people I think I could call in the middle of the night with an emergency. 

Then the computer and online interactions became more of a part of my life.  With less real friends these sites were enticing with the possibilities of casual friends and common interests. I’ll have to admit I did learn a lot and found lots of resources for things that weren’t locally available, but the downside was also daunting.  Every crazy, unbalanced, self-centered asshole now had a soapbox to comment and weigh in on something anyone said.  “Better to keep your mouth shut and appear a fool than open it and remove all doubt”, seems to be the banner for internet conversations.  Everything that sucked or was mediocre had a podium, of course making the creator think they were true rock stars as someone out there would probably uck it up.  The nastiness of insults never ends against innocent people, a place people spit out garbage expecting their opinions to have validity.  Their insults say more about their lack of intelligence and morality than the people they are referring to.

I do have to admit I did meet a couple of really nice people and there seemed to be more if I’ld wanted to take more chances, but I also met a couple of the most asinine characters who at first put on a front of being helpful and friendly.  Over the years, I’ve gotten good at sizing up people pretty quickly and knowing who not to get involved with.  Unfortunately, that’s meant a lot of people.  I guess I’ve gotten pickier over the years.  I know my own problems and I consider myself intelligent, capable and have been working on my personality for years.  With all my efforts, I’m still not the person I want to be so it’s really hard to be around mindless, low information people who don’t even know they have a problem, let alone want to work on themselves.  From time to time I do still get tripped up as I try to give most people the benefit over my doubts.  I do try to see the good in people. But…..

One guy seemed to be a half-decent songwriter online and he’d had a lot of classes with a pro-writer in Nashville, so I befriended him to learn to write a little better.  Unbeknownst or overlooked by me he was an old nasty drunk soured by a life that he wasted, four failed marriages and a music career that went nowhere.  Most of it was his fault in that he is incredibly lazy and self-centered and never dealt with his problems. The kind that doesn’t even know he has a problem but blames everyone and everything else.  A classic case of an addictive personality.  One day he ruthlessly attacked me and a song I was writing that he didn’t like, probably in a drunken stupor.  My husband would have never talked to me like he did.  Of course, I let him know in no uncertain terms that our friendship was over.  He left a bad taste in my mouth for writing with internet people.

More recently a Facebook young guy tried to friend me and at first I thought he just wanted someone to be helpful and interesting to talk to.  I should have known although I wanted to believe he was a good person, but he wanted to engage in over the computer sex.  Ha! He knew I was the age of his mother and he still tried to come on to me.  Of course, I had to cut that one short since I am happily married to a magic man.

Anyway, back to 3:00 am and I can’t sleep rehashing all the wrongs in my life, I came across a site that suggested an on your computer trashcan where you write about the people who wronged you and you drop the writing in the trashcan.  At some point you can even empty the trashcan and they’re gone.  Finally purged from your life and forever gone ever knowing them.   So easy, so nice, mental house cleaning.

Dealing or Not-dealing with Stress and Unhappiness –

Donna J Evans 4/19/18

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how negative thoughts  can set us up for failure and sabotage our best plans and accomplishments.  Negative thoughts cause negative emotions, depression, anxiety which causes stress reactions in the body and then ushers in our addictions and lack of ability to cope.  Our negative mental response to not being at ease or in control of what’s happening causes mental and emotional pain.

The addiction cycle starts with emotional pain of some kind.  Then a substance is chosen to temporarily anesthesize oneself. Usually the potion is something slightly poison or toxic which stimulates the brain to release natural painkillers and results in a high, a stimulant followed by a depressant as the liver seeks to  cope with the offending substance.  Or the substance could be food or sugars which is also a drug. Next comes more pain or discomforts either from our body not feeling well or of something we did or did not do under the influence and in many cases both.  We feel guilty and remorseful and blame ourselves starting the whole cycle over again as more pain is felt.  This is addiction in a nutshell and is like beating ones head against a wall as nothing changes.

So how to break out of this cycle and how to handle the difficulties and stresses of life.  We are all different in our reactions to stress as what bothers one person will not bother another.  Some people are overwhelmed by the least little thing and seem helpless to do anything about it.   Other people are big risk takers, seem fearless and always in control.  Most of us are somewhere in the middle.

 I’m fairly independent, pretty strong and healthy, can deal with a lot, yet there are a few things that always seem to trip me up, even after a lifetime of dealing with them.  I seem to get stressed by the pressure of deadlines, having to work quickly and accurately and dealing with a lot of different projects and people at the same time.  Every day for a couple of months my life is like grand central station.  I feel out of control and that I won’t meet my deadlines, or I’ll screw up or forget something important and in most cases all of this costs me or the other person money.  Of course, my clients hold me responsible and believe me I have screwed up and gotten penalties and had to deal with unhappy clients.  After all I am only human, but certain times of year my workload is very difficult.  I usually get through it some way and have been doing so for forty some years.  I am usually pretty exhausted and very, very tired at the end and have to slow down some, although it’s usually a few more weeks before I can really take a break. 

Recently I’ve tried to limit the amount of work I take in and that does help, but somehow during the rest of the year I tend to get involved with other projects and they show up again during my busy time. 

I had not been feeling well for the past couple of years, a little too tired, low energy, had gained some weight, so the past July I started a wonderful diet program which was basically low carb, low fat (except good fats) and lean meats.  I lost a lot of weight,  reset my insulin, metabolism and hormones and really felt much better.  I had a lot more energy and I do admit it lasted throughout this year’s crazy work schedule, even with the onslaught of stress, not getting enough sleep and bad habits.  The good healthy eating habits I had established from the prior seven months and weight loss did help even though I caved into stress and my go to daily alcohol and extra sweets.  My time to cook was limited as well as planning meals.  Eating out became more regular, although I did go to good restaurants and not fast food.  But nonetheless I definitely was eating more calories and gained back some of my weight loss.  The new owners at the café my husband and I love have decided we are their best customers and that I like sweets, so I’m being given homemade gluten free desserts to sample from their kitchen.  Who could turn that down, free homemade raspberry cheesecake or lemon meringue pie, lordy.  I can only thank the spirit and tell the divine mother I want to stay at my best healthy weight regardless of being pampered with specialty homemade desserts.

I have studied a lot of Chinese medicine and philosophy my entire life and they have the notion that in order to establish good new habits you have to do them consistently for at least 120 days.  So, I did accomplish that as I was able to be really good on my diet last year and lost 27 pounds.  Even now I still prefer to eat the foods on the diet and really like them and feel healthy when I eat them.  What I was not prepared for was the effect of stress on my body from  my crazy job and workload for two months.  I have to admit I lost it in some regards and did  regain some of the weight I had lost.  I get so busy, tired and stressed  that I don’t do my yoga and I eat too many calories and I crave sweets and alcohol.  I don’t take care of me and I try to comfort and anesthesize myself.  So now, I’m ending my crazy busy time and I’m thinking what can I do to prepare me for next year to not do a repeat of all this?  To be more in control and to maintain better. 

So what to do.  First, I am going back on the eating plan, maybe not as strict.  I do need to cut back on the sugar and alcohol.  I need to get some rest and also exercise in nature.  I am not going to beat myself up or feel guilty about my failings.  I did the best I could to get through.  I want to handle my stress better for next year, so I’m pulling the legs out of that part of the addiction cycle.  Then I need to deal with the negative emotions of that I can’t handle it or that I’m out of control.  My husband says not to see it as stressful but rather normal for that time of year. I ran across a personal development site called nperov.com and he changed his life by meditating and doing things he would not normally do, breaking routines and in that regards building up willpower.  I used to think journaling helped and maybe it does some, but doesn’t seem to be the cure. Not sure if there is a cure or how to change my negative thoughts as how my body reacts to this difficult period, but I have a whole year to figure it out.  I’ll continue to post my experience, my results and conclusions.